医生：

 

嗨！

你最后一次复诊

已经是一年半前的事了

别来无恙？

 

恭喜恭喜！

伤口已经完全复合了

都说时间药膏是灵丹了

 

 

 

不后悔，过程那么愉快，已经足够报酬

 

那时好心，还是忍心？

 

从不相信人应该沉湎往事，抱着过去一起沉沦

 

忘不了? 许多必须自救的人把更难忘记的人把更难忘记的人与事都丢丢在脑后，埋进土里

 

大意有大意的豁达

 

爱一个人，不要让他觉得欠你太多

 

赢了又何喜，输了更可悲

 

一个人若是真心喜欢另一个人，因爱生怖，什么都会变得患得患失

 

 

迷惑

失望

懊恼

气愤难平

决心反复

立场动摇

进退维谷

 

一笑置之后

心平气和地

翻开的

就是新的一页！

我们交集平行的路

已经看到尽头

很快地

就要走到分道扬镳的路口

虽然只是君子之交

淡

如水

我会怀念

有你相伴的日子

肩并肩走过的路

沿路的风景和那偶尔溢出的关怀

Life’s hitting me in the head with a brick. I MUST NOT LOSE FAITH! Must not!

I’m convinced that : 天将降大任于是人也，必先若其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性，曾益其所不能。人恒过，然后能改；困于心，衡于虑，而后作；徵于色，发于声，而后喻.

Plea from all the cousins: See Yee, be strong!!!

I wish I can sing this out aloud, physically and mentally...

 

这个五月

眼泪喧宾夺主

欢笑声不再是主角

 

我的信念又动摇了

我又要开始相信我是一个无可救药的大烂人了

 

相信我

我并不是要人怜悯

我并没有嚎啕

只是在一旁默默地流泪

 

我的臭脾气

我的暴躁

曾几何时层让我淋漓尽致地见识到人无情 绝情的一面。

天知道

我要脱胎换骨的决心

 

无奈

在这个五月

我鉴证了我的失败

 

情绪波动

与同事发生冲突

发脾气

都是我失败的铁证

都是大烂人的标志

 

但是

在这个五月

在失败的当儿

在反省的同时

我深深地痛苦

 

我当然知道不应该

我肯定知道工作压力只是最烂的借口

但我还是爆发了

 

自责的声音不断地在回响

自我厌恶的火在熊熊地烧

我招架不住

我招架不住

我招架不住

我真的招架不住

I heard this from the radio this morning while I was driving to work:

Someone from the parliament proposed so that we separate male and female passengers in LRT to avoid sexual harassment from happening. 

I’m actually not so much a political/government critic like someone, but this did ripple my nostalgia. The above mentioned proposal is quite similar with quite a number of restrictions introduced by my beloved university, which I found were ridiculous. Just to cite the top 2 which caused my greatest dulan-ness:-

1.         At one time, they forbad us to dry our undergarments in the sun; we should cover them with cloth. The reason given sounded this way:

 “Tak malu ke? Nak biar orang tengok?”

Hello! Why was it an eyesore when all the clothesline were isolated from the admin buildings? And they even arranged for ad hoc spot check on clotheslines and forfeited all the undergarments not being covered. The spot check made a lot of commotion and I saw many people scurrying to salvage their precious… [So malu, then might as well don’t wear any!]

2.         Some of the lecturers prohibited students with opposite gender to sit next to each other. Not to mention, we have newspaper-reading-corner for siswi and siswa. [As if one will become pregnant by sitting next to a guy…]  

Hoo…. It’s a relief to speak out after suppressing for so long…

依然卑微  

这样其实很窝囊

总会在特定的时候

生病

失落

软弱

不得志

庆佳节

夜阑人静

辗转难眠

之时

木目心 人尔

我就这样匿藏着

等着你来接我

 

藏着 （对你的好感）

藏着 （某些失落）

藏着 （心中的荡漾）

 

开始觉得不安之际

你来了

我得现身了

 

“你怎么在这啊?

他在找你呢!”

是吗？

会吗？

哦。。。

我看见了

看见你焦急地在四处寻找

 

我的嘴角开始往上扬

卑微的我

满足地看着这一幕

 

愿与结拜姐姐（http://asumsumsumpaopaolong.spaces.live.com/） 分享：-

 

去年今日。。。。。。

今年今日！

明年今日？

发现大家的衣着品味相似

知道他也爱把指甲剪得短短的

得知他也爱喝milo

注意到他规律、勤奋的工作态度

 

偷瞄他的侧脸

看着他的背影

细数他的白发

轻闻他的气息

 

互相调侃的当儿

恶作剧的过程

独处的机会

无缘无故的脸红

发热的耳朵

 

我当然知道

我能有的幸福

也只有那么的一刹那

亲切感

莫名其妙的亲切感

就因为某人与某人有着一样款式的手表

 

亲切感

无缘无故的亲切感

只因为某人与某人长得恁地相像

Life is like reading a novel

Another significant chapter of mine has been flipped through

A new chapter is about to begin

With brand new elements: plot, setting, character, point of view, and theme

 

最精彩的一章已经翻过。。。

下一章是否依然精彩？

我的求学生涯刚划下了句点

一个暂时的句点

一个非完美的句点

一个无悔的句点

 

这是暂时的句点

渴望在机缘巧合的配合下 可以继续深造

这是非完美的句点

可以更好

这是无悔的句点

已了无遗憾了

医生说：

还康复得不错

心被利刃捅到的部分已经结疤了

碎掉的部分也勉强拼凑回来了

最近好像有过心动的迹象

虽然很微弱

但至少那颗心算是救回来了

 

别忘了你对Odocoileus virginianus 过敏

记得尽量避免接触含有Odocoileus virginianus成分的物品

不然又会引发思念想念怀念后悔的症状了

而且Odocoileus virginianus 有碍于心康复的进度

伤口可能又会裂开了

 

什么？

心还是在痛？

看来要开另一种止痛药给你了

但是这药还是会引起自我厌恶的副作用

放心吧

只要继续在伤口处涂搽时间药膏

伤口一定会痊愈的

这药膏的口碑一向不错

 

开心激素的分泌不怎么乐观

爱哭这毒瘾发作的次数已明显减少

下次复诊之前应该可以彻底戒掉了

 

自大病毒都没在作祟了

但也有可能是在潜伏期

因此还有待观察

 

对自卑的免疫力很糟糕

记得要定时服食自信抗生素

也别忘了维他命积极

它可以抵抗堕落和退步

 

好了

记得定时来复诊

祝你早日康复

My journey ends…Gotta get back to routine working life again. Shall I name it “the journey of finding-the-strong-old-me” or “the rejuvenation trip” ?

Thank you to RambuTan.  Thanks for the Milo O kao made.  Thanks for the companion to have lunch with this gal who was having diarrhea, my tasteless bread seemed tastier...  Thank you for the free ride offered to Times Square.  Sorry to let you get trapped in the jam, I know you were in a hurry that day.  Sorry, not that you are a terrible singer, just that I really don’t wish to listen to Tong Hua anymore.

 Arigato, Chan Mama.  Thanks for the concern.  I knew I looked awful that day before departing to Pudu from the office due to the diarrhea and some kind of unforeseeable phobia.  Can you see the sorrow in my eyes? Cuz I know by the time I come back, you will no longer be with SMART…

Danke, YK.  Thank you for the companion along the journey back to BP. Time elapsed faster when being with a nice yet good-looking chatter box like you  Thanks to YK’s little sister as well.  I always wish I can have an energetic and talkative sister like you.  My little sister is good though… but she’s just too lemah lembut… (YBLoke, don’t kill me when you get to read this…)

 谢谢你,, Asum Jeffie Alonso. Thanks for all the heartfelt messages.  I tend to 依赖  you so much, because you understand pretty well about how pain it is to be like me and all the suffering that I’m going through now.  我们同坐一条船，我们有着一样的痛。

Jutaan terima kasih to all the 大便RensSs: CT Kong, Ah Beng, 傻Mew, Stephie, Irene and Moon.  Thanks for the support and cares all along the way, since the day when we were in the family of Rakan Kecergasan. 傻Mew, sorry for conquering your bed…  Ah Beng, thank you so much, now that I know how to carry a motorbike already!!

Kamsahamnida, Ah Siii-te-ven. Thanks for coming all the way for the yum cha session.  And you broke your promise: you still speed while you were on your way back… and stop calling me SamanthaS-no-Ass le! I think I’ll hug you if I receive flowers or soft toys from you during my convo… hehe

 Merci beaucoup, hippo ACCO.  It’s kinda like becoming my daily practice to listen to your problem before I slept along the journey.  But I’ll still get stoned if you ask me, “你点啊? (Cantonese)  ” What kind of answer shall I give?

Gracias, 肥Lim. Haha! I know you are no longer a fatty already, but so used to calling you 肥 Lim liao ma, you just bear with me lar! Some more it’s weird too, if I were to call you Chin Wei… Sounds so geli… and THANK YOU SO MUCH for lending your LI report for me to copy and then paste… and keep your promise that you will start planning for our backpacking trip to Thailand from now on!

Khawp khun kha, Iti. Miss your gedik-ness all this while.  It’s good to have a supportive friend like you.  Hey, don’t be demoralized by an irresponsible character le!  Cheer up!  Where’s the “kecil-kecil cili padi” kind of spirit that you used to have when we were still so together for SRM?

P/S: I think I still can buat bodoh for the coming Karnival Sukan… Sue Cing can come back to KUiTTHO for the run also I guess, since her origin’s BP ma! Shall we? =p

Cám ón anh, teow a ball!  Another report supplier to grant me doing the pirating job for my LI report…

Nandri, Mei Yea! Too bad, tak sempat to taste the cempedak that you purposely brought all the way to hostel… Please keep in mind that your name is 朱美雅，just don’t change it to 林美香 le!

Chan Mama, Ah Pui, Hippo Papa, teow a ball, Chai Hungry and Da bien rensSs, thank you for being SO concern about the completion about my LI report… made me feel really bad for not fully gearing up to complete the report…

Shukriya, Ah Lun and Sze Kee! Really glad to see the enthusiastic siao face of Ah Lun and the 傻婆 face of Skye again!

Chezu ba, Poh Tee. Thanks for all the arrangement, I really had fun that day. It’s good to know that you have a gang of out-going colleagues. Do send my regards to Khing, Mandy, Wai Hong, Lawrence, Lau and your internship supervisor (I forgot his name ). Kinda miss those days when we were still roommates. Friendship forever! And I think you know me well, no matter how bad people talk about my friends, as long as they treat me good, they are just GOOD to me

Sagolun, Felicia! I think I really came on the wrong time… Don’t blame me if your score for the test on Monday does not turn out to be a satisfactory one… Miss you all this while, still in-search of new friend who can replace your position in my heart, who can understand and ngam with me like you do…

Puno hvala, Peter. Thanks for being my driver. You are still the good old Peter I knew since my 1^st year in KUiTTHO, with the angelic face still

Tack så mycket, Joyce and Jane. Thanks for the warm hospitality greeted. I think both of you really urgently need to get yourselves pepper spray… and I think I’ll miss the sometimes-tasteless and sometimes-too-salty dishes prepared by both of you…

Sha ja non, Albert Bun. Thanks for coming all the way to meet us up and for bringing your special friend along… Ah Qing, seeing your siao face in Melaka is really something bonus to me! Your jokes can really make people laugh lo…

Anugurihiitosumi, Pei Jun. Do not know whether or not you can ever get to read this… To be able to see you again in Melaka is another bonus to me. It was pure coincidence that we met. You really rejoiced my heart by showing your extreme happy face when you saw me.

This final part is a bit redundant… thanks to all the felis domestica-s along the journey, thanks for letting me molest… and thanks for giving such good poses to let me snap the photos of you cats… =p

一位曾在不久前投诉我的工作态度散漫的同事在读了我的blog 后，写了一段留言给我：-

The guy whom bug u about submission form was xx right? Don’t worry about him, he's like that! Never put that incident in ur heart and just keep moving on. I’m kinda interested to meet with the old you. Wonder how ur work will be at that time. U just need to be more confident on urself. To me, an over confident person is better than someone without confident at all! Of course being in the middle is the best. Being an engineer, u need to have sufficient confident. There r certain things u need to make ur own decision. Perhaps u r not up to that position yet. But u can start from now. Like Mr. Confucius says: journey of a thousand miles start with a single step. U already reached 500 miles, but now u decided to walk backwards because of someone used to be special to u. Not worth it my friend. 500 miles is not a short journey. U walk another 500 miles backwards, u reach the starting point. U continue ur journey another 500 miles, u reach ur goal. Both also 500 miles, y not move towards ur goal? To survive in gamuda, being ur old self would be easier. This is just a suggestion. So u'll be having ur break end of this week. Spend ur time wisely. Spend some time to think about urself again. What u want in life. How were u been treated last time, before u make the change, and how r u been treated now. Talk to urself. It worked for me, not sure whether for u. This is some of advice. Not sure whether they r a good one, but i'm sure it's not a bad one.  

其实

我知道的

我从某个极端

走向另一个极端了

 

从自信满满

变成极度自卑

从要求完美

变成毫无要求

 

上天应该对我开了一个玩笑

我竟然变成一个 以前的我最讨厌的角色了

凡事只求及格就好

做事马马虎虎

态度散漫

不思进取

得过且过

并且用尽一切力气来逃避

逃避加班

逃避选择

逃避应负的责任

虽然

我都能解读同事与上司们不满的嘴脸

那再熟悉不过的嘴脸

因为我也曾经演绎过那种嘴脸

 

生活变得如此轻松

毫无压力

我不再失眠了

我不再发恶梦了

我还以为

我已经是个开心的平凡人了

虽然

我还是会怀念以前的我

那个是high achiever 的我

 

但是

当我知道我只值47分时

我还是哭了

一半都不到的分数

好难过

心在绞

 

我才知道

原来这两个月来

我都在伪装自己

我从来都是那么的不甘平凡

但我真的不想做回从前的我了

我真的由衷的厌恶

那个自大自私

很令某人讨厌

很令人唾弃的我

 

我说过

我一定要脱胎换骨

我一定要粉碎自大

我一定要绞死自私

我一定要驯服脾气

我真的很努力地在改进了

真的

真的

 

无奈

以前的我还是不肯放生我

不肯让我选择另一个极端

因为

我还是哭了。。。